Twelfth Night, Act 4, Scene 2

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.

No, please, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe you are Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I'll go call Sir Toby in the meantime.

Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

All right, I'll put it on, and I'll disguise myself in it, and I wish I were the first man who ever disguised himself in such a gown. I'm not tall enough to suit the office properly, nor thin enough to be taken for a good scholar, but to be called an honest man and a good householder is just as fine as being called a careful man and a great scholar. Here come my partners in this.

Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

Jove bless you, Master Parson.

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, who never saw pen and ink, very cleverly said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is, is': so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is 'that' but 'that'? and 'is' but 'is'?

To him, Sir Topas.

Go at him, Sir Topas.

What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!

Hello in there, I say! Peace be in this prison!

The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.

The rascal plays the part well. A good rascal.

Who calls there?

Who's calling there?

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

Sir Topas the curate, who has come to visit Malvolio the madman.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

Get out, you exaggerating fiend! How you torment this man! Do you talk of nothing but ladies?

Well said, Master Parson.

Well said, Master Parson.

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.

Sir Topas, no man was ever wronged like this. Good Sir Topas, don't think I am mad. They have shut me up here in horrible darkness.

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?

Shame on you, you dishonest Satan! I call you by the mildest names I can, for I am one of those gentle souls who will treat even the devil with courtesy. Do you say that house is dark?

As hell, Sir Topas.

As dark as hell, Sir Topas.

Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

Why, it has bay windows as transparent as barricades, and the upper windows facing south-north are as bright as ebony; and still you complain that the light is blocked?

I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.

I am not mad, Sir Topas. I tell you this house is dark.

Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

Madman, you're mistaken. I say there is no darkness except ignorance, and you are more lost in that than the Egyptians were in their fog.

I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.

I say this house is as dark as ignorance, even if ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say no man was ever so badly treated. I am no more mad than you are. Test me with any sensible question.

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

What is Pythagoras's opinion about wildfowl?

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

That our grandmother's soul might possibly live in a bird.

What think’st thou of his opinion?

What do you think of his opinion?

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

I think nobly of the soul, and I don't approve of his opinion at all.

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

Goodbye to you. Stay there in the darkness. You will have to accept Pythagoras's opinion before I will grant that you're sane, and you must be afraid to kill a woodcock in case you turn out your grandmother's soul. Goodbye to you.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

My most excellent Sir Topas!

Nay, I am for all waters.

Well, I can swim in any water.

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not.

You could have done this without the beard and gown. He can't see you.

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

Go at him in your own voice, and bring me word how you find him. I wish we were well clear of this trickery. If he can be conveniently let out, I wish he were, because I'm now so deep in my niece's bad books that I can't safely push this joke through to the end. Come to my room shortly.

[Singing.] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.

[Singing.] Hey, Robin, cheerful Robin, tell me how your lady is.

Fool!

Fool!

My lady is unkind, perdy.

My lady is unkind, by God.

Fool!

Fool!

Alas, why is she so?

Alas, why is she so?

Fool, I say!

Fool, I say!

She loves another— Who calls, ha?

She loves another— Who's calling, eh?

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

Good fool, if you ever hope for a reward from me, get me a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. On my word as a gentleman, I'll live to thank you for it.

Master Malvolio?

Master Malvolio?

Ay, good fool.

Yes, good fool.

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

Alas, sir, how did you come to lose your five wits?

Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

Fool, no man was ever so shamefully mistreated. I am as sound in my wits, fool, as you are.

But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

Only as sound? Then you really are mad, if your wits are no better than a fool's.

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

They have turned me into a piece of furniture here; they keep me in the dark, send clergymen to me — asses — and do everything they can to brazen me out of my senses.

Advise you what you say: the minister is here. [As Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.

Be careful what you say: the clergyman is here. [As Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, may heaven restore your wits. Try to get some sleep, and stop your empty chatter.

Sir Topas!

Sir Topas!

[As Sir Topas] Maintain no words with him, good fellow. [As himself] Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Marry, amen. [As himself] I will sir, I will.

[As Sir Topas] Don't exchange any words with him, my good man. [As himself] Who, me, sir? Not me, sir. God be with you, good Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Indeed, amen. [As himself] I will, sir, I will.

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

Alas, sir, be patient. What do you say, sir? I'm being scolded for talking to you.

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Good fool, get me some light and some paper. I tell you I am as sound in my wits as any man in Illyria.

Well-a-day that you were, sir!

What a shame you aren't, sir!

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

By this hand, I am. Good fool, bring some ink, paper, and light, and carry what I write to my lady. It will profit you more than carrying any letter ever did.

I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

I'll help you get it. But tell me the truth, aren't you really mad? Or are you only pretending?

Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

Believe me, I'm not. I'm telling you the truth.

Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

Well, I'll never believe a madman until I see his brains. I'll fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee be gone.

Fool, I'll repay you to the fullest: please go.

[Singing.] I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain; Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath, Cries ‘ah, ha!’ to the devil: Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad. Adieu, goodman devil.’

[Singing.] I'm going, sir, and in a moment, sir, I'll be with you again, in an instant, like the old Vice, to supply your need; who with his wooden dagger, in his rage and his fury, cries 'ah, ha!' to the devil: like a crazy boy, 'Trim your nails, dad. Goodbye, mister devil.'