Twelfth Night, Act 4, Scene 2

Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate. Do it quickly. I’ll call Sir Toby the whilst.

MARIA: Come on, please, put on this gown and this beard; make him believe you're Sir Topas the parish priest. Do it quickly. I'll go call Sir Toby meanwhile.

Well, I’ll put it on, and I will dissemble myself in’t, and I would I were the first that ever dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to become the function well, nor lean enough to be thought a good student, but to be said, an honest man and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say, a careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

CLOWN: All right, I'll put it on, and I'll disguise myself in it, and I wish I were the first man who ever played a false part in such a gown. I'm not tall enough to suit the office properly, nor thin enough to be taken for a serious scholar, but being called an honest man and a good householder sounds just as well as being called a careful man and a great scholar. Here come my fellow plotters.

Jove bless thee, Master Parson.

SIR TOBY: Jove bless you, Master Parson.

Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily said to a niece of King Gorboduc, ‘That that is, is’: so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is ‘that’ but ‘that’? and ‘is’ but ‘is’?

CLOWN: Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for as the old hermit of Prague, who never saw pen and ink, very cleverly said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is, is': so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for what is 'that' but 'that'? and 'is' but 'is'?

To him, Sir Topas.

SIR TOBY: Get to him, Sir Topas.

What ho, I say! Peace in this prison!

CLOWN: Hello there, I say! Peace in this prison!

The knave counterfeits well. A good knave.

SIR TOBY: The rascal plays the part well. A fine rascal.

Who calls there?

MALVOLIO: Who's calling there?

Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio the lunatic.

CLOWN: Sir Topas the parish priest, who has come to visit Malvolio the madman.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.

Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man? Talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

CLOWN: Get out, you extravagant devil! How you torment this man! Do you talk of nothing but ladies?

Well said, Master Parson.

SIR TOBY: Well said, Master Parson.

Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged. Good Sir Topas, do not think I am mad. They have laid me here in hideous darkness.

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, no man was ever wronged like this. Good Sir Topas, don't think I'm mad. They've shut me up here in horrible darkness.

Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most modest terms, for I am one of those gentle ones that will use the devil himself with courtesy. Say’st thou that house is dark?

CLOWN: Shame on you, you lying Satan! I call you by the mildest names I can, for I'm one of those gentle souls who will treat even the devil politely. Do you say that house is dark?

As hell, Sir Topas.

MALVOLIO: As dark as hell, Sir Topas.

Why, it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes, and the clerestories toward the south-north are as lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of obstruction?

CLOWN: Why, it has bay windows as transparent as barricades, and the upper windows facing south-north are as bright as ebony; and still you complain that the light is blocked?

I am not mad, Sir Topas. I say to you this house is dark.

MALVOLIO: I'm not mad, Sir Topas. I tell you this house is dark.

Madman, thou errest. I say there is no darkness but ignorance, in which thou art more puzzled than the Egyptians in their fog.

CLOWN: Madman, you're wrong. I say there is no darkness except ignorance, and you're more lost in that than the Egyptians were in their fog.

I say this house is as dark as ignorance, though ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say there was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you are. Make the trial of it in any constant question.

MALVOLIO: I say this house is as dark as ignorance, even if ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say no man was ever treated so badly. I'm no more mad than you are. Test it with any rational question you like.

What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wildfowl?

CLOWN: What is Pythagoras's opinion about wild birds?

That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.

MALVOLIO: That our grandmother's soul might possibly live in a bird.

What think’st thou of his opinion?

CLOWN: What do you think of that opinion of his?

I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

MALVOLIO: I think highly of the soul, and I don't approve of his opinion at all.

Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness. Thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

CLOWN: Goodbye. Stay on in darkness. You'll have to accept Pythagoras's opinion before I'll grant you're sane, and be afraid to kill a woodcock in case you drive out your grandmother's soul. Goodbye.

Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

My most exquisite Sir Topas!

SIR TOBY: My superb Sir Topas!

Nay, I am for all waters.

CLOWN: Oh, I can turn my hand to anything.

Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and gown. He sees thee not.

MARIA: You could have done this without the beard and gown. He can't see you.

To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how thou find’st him. I would we were well rid of this knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I would he were, for I am now so far in offence with my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

SIR TOBY: Go to him in your own voice, and bring me word how you find him. I wish we were safely out of this trickery. If he can be let out without trouble, I wish he would be, because I'm now so much in my niece's bad books that I can't safely carry this joke through to the end. Come to my room shortly.

[Singing.] Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, Tell me how thy lady does.

CLOWN: [Singing.] Hey, Robin, cheerful Robin, tell me how your lady is.

Fool!

MALVOLIO: Fool!

My lady is unkind, perdy.

CLOWN: My lady is unkind, by God.

Fool!

MALVOLIO: Fool!

Alas, why is she so?

CLOWN: Oh dear, why is she like that?

Fool, I say!

MALVOLIO: Fool, I say!

She loves another— Who calls, ha?

CLOWN: She loves another— Who's calling, eh?

Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to thee for’t.

MALVOLIO: Good fool, if you ever want to earn my gratitude, get me a candle, and pen, ink, and paper. As I'm a gentleman, I'll live to thank you for it.

Master Malvolio?

CLOWN: Master Malvolio?

Ay, good fool.

MALVOLIO: Yes, good fool.

Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

CLOWN: Oh dear, sir, how did you come to lose your five senses?

Fool, there was never man so notoriously abused. I am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

MALVOLIO: Fool, no man was ever so shamefully mistreated. I'm as sound in my mind, fool, as you are.

But as well? Then you are mad indeed, if you be no better in your wits than a fool.

CLOWN: Only as sound? Then you really are mad, if your wits are no better than a fool's.

They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness, send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to face me out of my wits.

MALVOLIO: They've turned me into a piece of furniture here; they keep me in the dark, send priests to me, donkeys, and do everything they can to brazen me out of my senses.

Advise you what you say: the minister is here. [As Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore. Endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain bibble-babble.

CLOWN: Watch what you say: the priest is here. [As Sir Topas] Malvolio, Malvolio, may heaven restore your wits. Try to sleep, and stop your empty babbling.

Sir Topas!

MALVOLIO: Sir Topas!

[As Sir Topas] Maintain no words with him, good fellow. [As himself] Who, I, sir? not I, sir. God buy you, good Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Marry, amen. [As himself] I will sir, I will.

CLOWN: [As Sir Topas] Don't exchange a word with him, my good man. [As himself] Who, me, sir? Not me, sir. God be with you, good Sir Topas. [As Sir Topas] Indeed, amen. [As himself] I will, sir, I will.

Fool, fool, fool, I say!

MALVOLIO: Fool, fool, fool, I say!

Alas, sir, be patient. What say you, sir? I am shent for speaking to you.

CLOWN: Oh dear, sir, be patient. What do you want, sir? I'm being scolded for talking to you.

Good fool, help me to some light and some paper. I tell thee I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

MALVOLIO: Good fool, get me some light and some paper. I tell you I'm as sane as any man in Illyria.

Well-a-day that you were, sir!

CLOWN: How I wish you were, sir!

By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper, and light, and convey what I will set down to my lady. It shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing of letter did.

MALVOLIO: By this hand, I am. Good fool, bring some ink, paper, and light, and carry what I write to my lady. It will pay you better than delivering any letter ever did.

I will help you to’t. But tell me true, are you not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

CLOWN: I'll help you to it. But tell me the truth, aren't you really mad? Or are you only pretending?

Believe me, I am not. I tell thee true.

MALVOLIO: Believe me, I'm not. I'm telling you the truth.

Nay, I’ll ne’er believe a madman till I see his brains. I will fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

CLOWN: No, I'll never believe a madman until I see his brains. I'll fetch you light, and paper, and ink.

Fool, I’ll requite it in the highest degree: I prithee be gone.

MALVOLIO: Fool, I'll repay you generously: please go.

[Singing.] I am gone, sir, and anon, sir, I’ll be with you again, In a trice, like to the old Vice, Your need to sustain; Who with dagger of lath, in his rage and his wrath, Cries ‘ah, ha!’ to the devil: Like a mad lad, ‘Pare thy nails, dad. Adieu, goodman devil.’

CLOWN: [Singing.] I'm going, sir, and very soon, sir, I'll be with you again, in an instant, like the old Vice of the plays, to supply what you need; who, with his wooden dagger, in his rage and his fury, cries 'ah, ha!' to the devil: like a wild boy, 'Trim your nails, daddy. Goodbye, Mr. Devil.'