Much Ado About Nothing, Act 3, Scene 3

Are you good men and true?

Are you good men and honest?

Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.

Yes, or else it would be a shame if they didn't suffer salvation, body and soul.

Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.

No, that would be too good a punishment for them, if they had any loyalty in them, seeing they've been chosen for the Prince's watch.

Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.

Well, give them their instructions, neighbour Dogberry.

First, who think you the most desartless man to be constable?

First, who do you think is the most undeserving man to be constable?

Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal; for they can write and read.

Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal, because they can write and read.

Come hither, neighbour Seacoal. God hath blessed you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is the gift of Fortune; but to write and read comes by Nature.

Come here, neighbour Seacoal. God has blessed you with a good name: being a good-looking man is a gift of Fortune, but writing and reading come from Nature.

Both which, Master Constable,—

Both of which, Master Constable—

You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch; therefore bear you the lanthorn. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.

You have: I knew that would be your answer. Well, as for your good looks, sir, why, thank God for them and don't brag about it; and as for your writing and reading, let that show itself when there's no need for such vanity. You're considered here to be the most senseless and suitable man to be constable of the watch; so you carry the lantern. These are your instructions: you must arrest all vagrant men; you're to order any man to halt, in the Prince's name.

How, if a’ will not stand?

What if he won't halt?

Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and presently call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave.

Why, then pay no attention to him, but let him go; and at once call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you're rid of a scoundrel.

If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none of the Prince’s subjects.

If he won't halt when he's ordered to, he isn't one of the Prince's subjects.

True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects. You shall also make no noise in the streets: for, for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.

True, and they're to deal with nobody but the Prince's subjects. You must also make no noise in the streets: for the watch to chatter and talk is most tolerable and not to be put up with.

We will rather sleep than talk: we know what belongs to a watch.

We'd rather sleep than talk: we know what a watchman's duties are.

Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend; only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

Why, you talk like an experienced and very peaceable watchman, for I can't see how sleeping could do any harm; only take care that your long-handled spears aren't stolen. Well, you're to call at all the alehouses, and tell the ones who are drunk to get themselves to bed.

How if they will not?

What if they won't?

Why then, let them alone till they are sober: if they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.

Why then, leave them alone until they're sober: if they don't give you a better answer then, you may say they aren't the men you took them for.

Well, sir.

Very well, sir.

If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and, for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them, why, the more is for your honesty.

If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by the authority of your office, of not being an honest man; and with men of that kind, the less you have to do with them, why, the better for your good name.

If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?

If we know he's a thief, shouldn't we lay hands on him?

Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him show himself what he is and steal out of your company.

Truly, by your office you may; but I think those who touch pitch will get dirty. The most peaceable course for you, if you do catch a thief, is to let him show what he is and steal away out of your company.

You have been always called a merciful man, partner.

You've always been called a merciful man, partner.

Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.

Truly, I wouldn't willingly hang a dog, much more a man who has any honesty in him.

If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.

If you hear a child crying in the night, you must call to the nurse and tell her to quiet it.

How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?

What if the nurse is asleep and won't hear us?

Why then, depart in peace, and let the child wake her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes, will never answer a calf when he bleats.

Why then, go away peacefully, and let the child wake her with its crying; for the ewe that won't hear her lamb when it bleats will never answer a calf when he bleats.

’Tis very true.

That's very true.

This is the end of the charge. You constable, are to present the Prince’s own person: if you meet the Prince in the night, you may stay him.

This is the end of your instructions. You, constable, are to represent the Prince's own person: if you meet the Prince in the night, you may stop him.

Nay, by’r lady, that I think, a’ cannot.

No, by Our Lady, I don't think he can.

Five shillings to one on’t, with any man that knows the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without the Prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a man against his will.

Five shillings to one on it, with any man who knows the laws, he may stop him: indeed, not unless the Prince is willing; for the watch really ought to offend nobody, and it is an offence to stop a man against his will.

By’r lady, I think it be so.

By Our Lady, I think that's so.

Ha, ah, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your fellows’ counsels and your own, and good night. Come, neighbour.

Ha, ah, ha! Well, gentlemen, good night: if anything important happens, wake me; keep your fellows' secrets and your own, and good night. Come, neighbour.

Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.

Well, gentlemen, we've heard our instructions: let's go and sit here on the church bench until two o'clock, and then all off to bed.

One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you, watch about Signior Leonato’s door; for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu; be vigitant, I beseech you.

One more word, honest neighbours. Please keep watch around Signior Leonato's door; since the wedding is there tomorrow, there's a great bustle tonight. Goodbye; be vigilant, I beg you.

What, Conrade!

Hey, Conrade!

[Aside] Peace! stir not.

[Aside] Quiet! Don't move.

Conrade, I say!

Conrade, I say!

Here, man. I am at thy elbow.

Here, man. I'm right at your elbow.

Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a scab follow.

By the mass, my elbow was itching; I thought a scab would follow.

I will owe thee an answer for that; and now forward with thy tale.

I'll owe you an answer for that; now go on with your story.

Stand thee close then under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.

Stand close in here under this overhanging roof, then, because it's drizzling, and I'll pour it all out to you, like a proper drunk.

[Aside] Some treason, masters; yet stand close.

[Aside] Some treason, gentlemen; stay hidden.

Therefore know, I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.

Know this, then: I've earned a thousand ducats from Don John.

Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?

Is it possible that any piece of villainy could cost so much?

Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich; for when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.

You should rather ask whether it was possible for any villain to be so rich; for when rich villains need poor ones, the poor ones can set whatever price they like.

I wonder at it.

I'm amazed at it.

That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is nothing to a man.

That shows you're inexperienced. You know that the fashion of a jacket, or a hat, or a cloak means nothing to a man.

Yes, it is apparel.

Yes, it's clothing.

I mean, the fashion.

I mean the fashion.

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

Yes, the fashion is the fashion.

Tush! I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is?

Nonsense! I might as well say the fool's the fool. But don't you see what a deformed thief this fashion is?

[Aside] I know that Deformed; a’ has been a vile thief this seven years; a’ goes up and down like a gentleman: I remember his name.

[Aside] I know that Deformed; he's been a vile thief these seven years; he goes about like a gentleman: I remember his name.

Didst thou not hear somebody?

Didn't you hear somebody?

No: ’twas the vane on the house.

No, it was the weathervane on the house.

Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is? how giddily he turns about all the hot bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty? sometime fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting; sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church window; sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

Don't you see, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is? How dizzily he spins around all the hot-blooded young men between fourteen and thirty-five? Sometimes shaping them like Pharaoh's soldiers in the grimy painting; sometimes like the priests of the god Bel in the old church window; sometimes like the shaven Hercules in the smudged, worm-eaten tapestry, where the pouch at his crotch looks as heavy as his club?

All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?

I see all this, and I see that fashion wears out more clothes than the man does. But aren't you dizzy with fashion yourself, since you've slipped out of your story into telling me about fashion?

Not so neither; but know, that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress’ chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

Not at all; but know this: tonight I courted Margaret, the Lady Hero's attendant, calling her Hero. She leans out to me from her mistress's bedroom window and says good night to me a thousand times—I'm telling this story badly—I should first tell you how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, set up and positioned and informed by my master Don John, saw this loving meeting from a distance in the orchard.

And thought they Margaret was Hero?

And did they think Margaret was Hero?

Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio; but the devil my master, knew she was Margaret; and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’er night, and send her home again without a husband.

Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio; but that devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly because of his oaths, which had already convinced them, partly because of the dark night, which deceived them, but chiefly because of my villainy, which backed up every slander Don John had made, off went Claudio in a rage; he swore he'd meet her, as had been arranged, next morning at the church, and there, in front of the whole congregation, shame her with what he'd seen the night before, and send her home again without a husband.

We charge you in the Prince’s name, stand!

We order you in the Prince's name—halt!

Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.

Go wake up the proper Master Constable. We've caught here the most dangerous case of vice ever known in the state.

And one Deformed is one of them: I know him, a’ wears a lock.

And one Deformed is one of them: I know him, he wears his hair in a long lock.

Masters, masters!

Gentlemen, gentlemen!

You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

You'll be forced to produce Deformed, I promise you.

Masters,—

Gentlemen—

Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.

Don't say a word: we order you to let us obey you by going with us.

We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.

We're likely to turn out a fine piece of merchandise, seized on the strength of these men's weapons.

A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you.

A doubtful piece of merchandise, I promise you. Come on, we'll go with you.