Much Ado About Nothing, Act 4, Scene 2

Is our whole dissembly appeared?

Has our whole assembly turned up?

O! a stool and a cushion for the sexton.

Oh! A stool and a cushion for the sexton.

Which be the malefactors?

Which ones are the criminals?

Marry, that am I and my partner.

Why, that's me and my partner.

Nay, that’s certain: we have the exhibition to examine.

No, that's certain: we have the commission to conduct the examination.

But which are the offenders that are to be examined? let them come before Master Constable.

But which ones are the offenders who are to be questioned? Let them come before Master Constable.

Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is your name, friend?

Yes, indeed, let them come before me. What's your name, friend?

Borachio.

Borachio.

Pray write down Borachio. Yours, sirrah?

Please write down Borachio. Yours, you there?

I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

Write down Master gentleman Conrade. Masters, do you serve God?

Write down Master gentleman Conrade. Gentlemen, do you serve God?

Yea, sir, we hope.

Yes, sir, we hope so.

Write down that they hope they serve God: and write God first; for God defend but God should go before such villains! Masters, it is proved already that you are little better than false knaves, and it will go near to be thought so shortly. How answer you for yourselves?

Write down that they hope they serve God — and write God first; God forbid that God should come after such villains! Gentlemen, it is already proved that you are little better than lying scoundrels, and it will soon come close to being thought so. What do you say in your own defence?

Marry, sir, we say we are none.

Why, sir, we say we are nothing of the kind.

A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you; but I will go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought you are false knaves.

A remarkably clever fellow, I assure you; but I'll deal with him cunningly. Come over here, you; a word in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thought that you are lying scoundrels.

Sir, I say to you we are none.

Sir, I say to you we are nothing of the kind.

Well, stand aside. Fore God, they are both in a tale. Have you writ down, that they are none?

Well, step aside. Before God, they're both telling the same story. Have you written down that they are nothing of the kind?

Master Constable, you go not the way to examine: you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.

Master Constable, this isn't the way to run an examination: you must call out the watchmen who are their accusers.

Yea, marry, that’s the eftest way. Let the watch come forth. Masters, I charge you, in the Prince’s name, accuse these men.

Yes, indeed, that's the quickest way. Let the watch step forward. Men, I order you, in the Prince's name, to accuse these men.

This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince’s brother, was a villain.

This man said, sir, that Don John, the Prince's brother, was a villain.

Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flat perjury, to call a Prince’s brother villain.

Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is downright perjury, to call a Prince's brother a villain.

Master Constable,—

Master Constable—

Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look, I promise thee.

Be quiet, fellow, please: I don't like your face, I assure you.

What heard you him say else?

What else did you hear him say?

Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats of Don John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.

Why, that he had received a thousand ducats from Don John for accusing the Lady Hero falsely.

Flat burglary as ever was committed.

As plain a case of burglary as was ever committed.

Yea, by the mass, that it is.

Yes, by the mass, it is.

What else, fellow?

What else, fellow?

And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, to disgrace Hero before the whole assembly, and not marry her.

And that Count Claudio intended, on the strength of what he said, to shame Hero in front of the whole gathering, and not marry her.

O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlasting redemption for this.

Oh, villain! You'll be condemned to everlasting redemption for this.

What else?

What else?

This is all.

That's all.

And this is more, masters, than you can deny. Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away: Hero was in this manner accused, in this manner refused, and, upon the grief of this, suddenly died. Master Constable, let these men be bound, and brought to Leonato’s: I will go before and show him their examination.

And this is more, gentlemen, than you can deny. Prince John has secretly slipped away this morning: Hero was accused in just this way, rejected in just this way, and, from grief at it, suddenly died. Master Constable, have these men tied up and taken to Leonato's house: I'll go ahead and show him the record of their examination.

Come, let them be opinioned.

Come on, let them be tied up.

Let them be in the hands—

Let them be put in the hands—

Off, coxcomb!

Get off, you fool!

God’s my life! where’s the sexton? let him write down the Prince’s officer coxcomb. Come, bind them. Thou naughty varlet!

God bless my life! Where's the sexton? Have him write down that the Prince's officer is a fool. Come on, tie them up. You wicked rascal!

Away! you are an ass; you are an ass.

Get away! You're an ass; you're an ass.

Dost thou not suspect my place? Dost thou not suspect my years? O that he were here to write me down an ass! but, masters, remember that I am an ass; though it be not written down, yet forget not that I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full of piety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness. I am a wise fellow; and, which is more, an officer; and, which is more, a householder; and, which is more, as pretty a piece of flesh as any in Messina; and one that knows the law, go to; and a rich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hath had losses; and one that hath two gowns, and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O that I had been writ down an ass!

Have you no respect for my office? Have you no respect for my years? Oh, if only he were here to write me down an ass! But, gentlemen, remember that I am an ass; though it isn't written down, still don't forget that I am an ass. No, you villain, you are full of piety, as will be proved against you by good witnesses. I am a clever fellow; and, what's more, an officer; and, what's more, a householder; and, what's more, as fine a figure of a man as any in Messina; and one who knows the law, mark you; and a rich enough fellow, mark you; and a fellow who has suffered losses; and one who has two gowns, and everything smart about him. Take him away. Oh, if only I had been written down an ass!