𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐌, 𝐆𝐎𝐃?by VidaVivido

Slowly, the door of the mosque creaked open. He looked tired, his eyes filled with tears and bloodshot. He walked weakly, helplessly, to the middle of the mosque hall, where he knelt down, raised his hands, and began in a hoarse voice: "God, I know I haven't been good. I know there are countless times I've let You down. I know I've said many times that I'll do what You say—that I'll be better. I said I'd change... but... but..." He couldn't help it anymore. Tears streamed down his face. "But I didn't... and I wasn't. God, I know—I swear to You—I know I broke a lot of hearts. I know I was searching for flawless people, but I myself was full of mistakes. I cursed those who sinned... but I sinned too. I got cursed as well. I'm so ashamed to tell You what's in my heart... but I know You already know. You know I can't live without her. God... while she struggles for every breath, I feel my own lungs collapsing." He pressed his forehead to the cool floor, his knuckles white as he clenched his fists, his cries muffled by the carpet. "My God, if You have decided... if You want to take her away from me... I swear to You... I will die. I know I never completely thanked You for every blessing You gave me. I know I told You many times: cut it off... destroy it... ruin it. But I didn't say... take her away from me. I swear to You, even if I said that in anger—it was unintentional. Oh God... is that even possible... even possible..." He looked up and placed his hands on his thighs, calming down a little. "You know. Do you remember those days? Those days that... Oh God, make me die... I was ungrateful. I doubted you were there. I heard them... I heard them. They talked about, 'Maybe You aren't there.' They said, "If He's there, why does all this happen? Why do those against Him live well? Why do those who look at Your sky shyly suffer under life... why?" This little being dared to ask that big question. But me? Me—who couldn't even understand my own work completely—could I understand the workings of a Planner like You? No, I couldn't understand... But I thought my selfishness was more right. God, I thought if I had money, wealth, beauty-I could turn my back on You. Oh... oh my stupidity...Oh, to all that You gave me-And oh, to what I thought was mine, and that I earned it myself. A fool like me... I can't even control my breathing—yet I wanted to control Your world. They said, 'That could be.' They said, 'It works.' They said—damn them—They put me in their hellish paradise." He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, his lips trembling. "You said, 'Come and do this, and you'll be fine.' They said, 'Come and do this... and act like you're fine.'" I chose them because their words were like butterflies and flowers. But yours were clear and simple. Bad me—I was ashamed to fall behind their 'progress—Damn that progress. You said, 'I'll fill your heart with satisfaction.' They said, 'We'll fill your pocket until you're satisfied.' And stupid me—I said I always keep my hand in my pocket. But now I've put her in—" He cried heartbreakingly. "I put her in their best hospitals. The best doctors are there, but they cannot open my dearest person's eyes. I begged them all to save her, but they said they're trying to keep her condition 'under control'—Damn me—I thought they ruled the world. That they controlled everything. If they couldn't control it who could? Then this insensitive body, that just says 'yes... yes' without thinking, followed the crowd for many years, saying, 'It's true. It's good.' It remembered You...You, who were so close to me when I was a child. So close that I whispered to You under my blanket...Oh my... what had changed? Your presence should've grown bigger as I grew... But You went farther away... Or... it was me—running in the opposite direction. And every time I looked back, I shamelessly said, 'You're so far.'" He hit his own thigh. "Oh... oh... oh my... My God... I put down everything here. I give them all to You. I know You don't need any of it. I know You're watching me right now. I know You're listening to me—listening to someone who didn't even have time to remember You, thank You, or pray to You... Someone so shameless... Doing everything I wanted, right under Your watch. You know what, my God? They put a bell around my neck and said, 'Go—you're free.' And I said, 'Thank you.' Who... who are they to show me the way to freedom? They can't even open my dearest person's eyes. How can they open the chains of my soul? Oh my... oh my stupidity. You said, 'I created the human being in the best form.' But they said, 'No, it's not. We have a list. We say who's beautiful, who's ugly. Who's healthy, who's not. Who's good, who's bad.' They uploaded everything onto a list—And I wanted to be on the top. But I don't want their lists. I don't want anything anymore. I don't want these clothes marked "high quality." And this metal and these papers—silver, gold, money—That I used to be proud of... I put them all down. But I can't... I can't not ask You for her. She always said, "You see us. You hear us." But this bad tongue of mine couldn't say she was right... If she were in my place—and I were her—I know what she'd say to You: "Everything is in Your hands. Do what You will. I agree." Even if her heart melted with her tears, she would still be satisfied with Your will. But me... Weak me. Cursed, shameless me... Where would I have the strength to say those things? God, take you avenge on me and punish me for my mistakes—not her. O God... What am I? Who am I, to even be avenged upon? I'm speaking wrongly again... God, I'm worried. I'm talking nonsense. I swear to You, I'm confused. I don't know what I'm saying. You know, I went to them. And in that confusion, they counted me: "A thousand and one diseases." One said it was depression. One said duality. One said mental shock. But none of them said... 'It's because I was so far from my Source.' I've defiled myself, God—Like a pond refusing to mix with the sea. They prescribed me sleeping pills." He laughed through tears. "As if I'm wide awake. I know now, God... I've started talking about my sins as if You didn't already know. Was I still unaware? Or maybe... I just wanted to hear it from myself—how cruel I was. My Lord... I'm disappointed in them. I'm disappointed in the whole world. I'm disappointed in the good... and all the bad. I'm disappointed in myself as well. But not in You. I swear to You- I will never be disappointed in You. You are the beginning and the end. You own everything. Even now... I know my face is blackened. I am a complete criminal. But I am still determined to pray until she opens her eyes again...Please, God... You know...Like when I was a child—I'd repeat whatever I wanted to You, again and again, until You gave it to me. Because, in my childhood, I thought you gave it to me because you were annoyed by my repetition... At those times... I didn't need to cross a thousand steps to reach you. You... you were there. Wherever I was, you were there. You took care of me. But I was stupid. I forgot. I bought bullets and guards. I locked my doors tightly. But now nothing matters... I want her. And I only want her from You. I don't have anything to be proud of in front of You—only a head bowed shyly before Your greatness, and a heart whose lamp only You can light." He lowered his head, hands uplifted, his eyes continuously shedding tears. His cries and subdued voice resonated throughout the hall. "Just forgive me this time. For Your greatness' sake—don't take her from me. Give her back to me. Please—" He choked "—please, please, my God... please..." Hours passed as he continued to beg on the floor. His phone rang. He quickly picked it up. "Yes?" "Where are you? She's opened her eyes and asked for you." "I'm coming... I'm coming right now." He hurried to the door of the mosque and stood in the middle of the way. He thought for a moment... God had answered his prayer. He knelt down in prostration and kissed the ground. "Thank You... thank You, my God. Immensely... I love You immensely." Then he left with hurried steps. Yet a radiance remained where he had prostrated. It was as bright as if a ray of sun had been lit there. The end