SATIRE V.
_He describes a certain journey of his from Rome to Brundusium with
great pleasantry_.
Having left mighty Rome, Aricia received me in but a middling inn:
Heliodorus the rhetorician, most learned in the Greek language, was my
fellow-traveller: thence we proceeded to Forum-Appi, stuffed with
sailors and surly landlords. This stage, but one for better travellers
than we, being laggard we divided into two; the Appian way is less
tiresome to bad travelers. Here I, on account of the water, which was
most vile, proclaim war against my belly, waiting not without impatience
for my companions while at supper. Now the night was preparing to spread
her shadows upon the earth, and to display the constellations in the
heavens. Then our slaves began to be liberal of their abuse to the
watermen, and the watermen to our slaves. "Here bring to." "You are
stowing in hundreds; hold, now sure there is enough." Thus while the
fare is paid, and the mule fastened a whole hour is passed away. The
cursed gnats, and frogs of the fens, drive off repose. While the
waterman and a passenger, well-soaked with plenty of thick wine, vie
with one another in singing the praises of their absent mistresses: at
length the passenger being fatigued, begins to sleep; and the lazy
waterman ties the halter of the mule, turned out a-grazing, to a stone,
and snores, lying flat on his back. And now the day approached, when we
saw the boat made no way; until a choleric fellow, one of the
passengers, leaps out of the boat, and drubs the head and sides of both
mule and waterman with a willow cudgel. At last we were scarcely set
ashore at the fourth hour. We wash our faces and hands in thy water, O
Feronia. Then, having dined we crawled on three miles; and arrive under
Anxur, which is built up on rocks that look white to a great distance.
Maecenas was to come here, as was the excellent Cocceius. Both sent
ambassadors on matters of great importance, having been accustomed to
reconcile friends at variance. Here, having got sore eyes, I was obliged
to use the black ointment. In the meantime came Maecenas, and Cocceius,
and Fonteius Capito along with them, a man of perfect polish, and
intimate with Mark Antony, no man more so.
Without regret we passed Fundi, where Aufidius Luscus was praetor,
laughing at the honors of that crazy scribe, his praetexta, laticlave,
and pan of incense. At our next stage, being weary, we tarry in the city
of the Mamurrae, Murena complimenting us with his house, and Capito with
his kitchen.
The next day arises, by much the most agreeable to all: for Plotius, and
Varius, and Virgil met us at Sinuessa; souls more candid ones than
which the world never produced, nor is there a person in the world more
bound to them than myself. Oh what embraces, and what transports were
there! While I am in my senses, nothing can I prefer to a pleasant
friend. The village, which is next adjoining to the bridge of Campania,
accommodated us with lodging [at night]; and the public officers with
such a quantity of fuel and salt as they are obliged to [by law]. From
this place the mules deposited their pack-saddles at Capua betimes [in
the morning]. Maecenas goes to play [at tennis]; but I and Virgil to our
repose: for to play at tennis is hurtful to weak eyes and feeble
constitutions.
From this place the villa of Cocceius, situated above the Caudian inns,
which abounds with plenty, receives us. Now, my muse, I beg of you
briefly to relate the engagement between the buffoon Sarmentus and
Messius Cicirrus; and from what ancestry descended each began the
contest. The illustrious race of Messius-Oscan: Sarmentus's mistress is
still alive. Sprung from such families as these, they came to the
combat. First, Sarmentus: "I pronounce thee to have the look of a mad
horse." We laugh; and Messius himself [says], "I accept your challenge:"
and wags his head. "O!" cries he, "if the horn were not cut off your
forehead, what would you not do; since, maimed as you are, you bully at
such a rate?" For a foul scar has disgraced the left part of Messius's
bristly forehead. Cutting many jokes upon his Campanian disease, and
upon his face, he desired him to exhibit Polyphemus's dance: that he had
no occasion for a mask, or the tragic buskins. Cicirrus [retorted]
largely to these: he asked, whether he had consecrated his chain to the
household gods according to his vow; though he was a scribe, [he told
him] his mistress's property in him was not the less. Lastly, he asked,
how he ever came to run away; such a lank meager fellow, for whom a
pound of corn [a-day] would be ample. We were so diverted, that we
continued that supper to an unusual length.
Hence we proceed straight on for Beneventum; where the bustling landlord
almost burned himself, in roasting some lean thrushes: for, the fire
falling through the old kitchen [floor], the spreading flame made a
great progress toward the highest part of the roof. Then you might have
seen the hungry guests and frightened slaves snatching their supper out
[of the flames], and everybody endeavoring to extinguish the fire.
After this Apulia began to discover to me her well-known mountains,
which the Atabulus scorches [with his blasts]: and through which we
should never have crept, unless the neighboring village of Trivicus had
received us, not without a smoke that brought tears into our eyes;
occasioned by a hearth's burning some green boughs with the leaves upon
them. Here, like a great fool as I was, I wait till midnight for a
deceitful mistress; sleep, however, overcomes me while meditating love;
and disagreeable dreams make me ashamed of myself and every thing about
me.
Hence we were bowled away in chaises twenty-four miles, intending to
stop at a little town, which one cannot name in a verse, but it is
easily enough known by description. For water is sold here, though the
worst in the world; but their bread is exceeding fine, inasmuch that the
weary traveler is used to carry it willingly on his shoulders; for [the
bread] at Canusium is gritty; a pitcher of water is worth no more [than
it is here]: which place was formerly built by the valiant Diomedes.
Here Varius departs dejected from his weeping friends.
Hence we came to Rubi, fatigued: because we made a long journey, and it
was rendered still more troublesome by the rains. Next day the weather
was better, the road worse, even to the very walls of Barium that
abounds in fish. In the next place Egnatia, which [seems to have] been
built on troubled waters, gave us occasion for jests and laughter; for
they wanted to persuade us, that at this sacred portal the incense
melted without fire. The Jew Apella may believe this, not I. For I have
learned [from Epicurus], that the gods dwell in a state of tranquillity;
nor, if nature effect any wonder, that the anxious gods send it from the
high canopy of the heavens.
Brundusium ends both my long journey, and my paper.
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