I’ve watched Personal Shopper twice, with a combined running time of 210 minutes. I have paid for three cinema tickets and one Amazon rental, totalling about fifty of your Earth pounds. I do not like this movie. So, you might ask, Sam, why are you spending more time on it with this, presumably, hugely biased,
I stubbed out another cigarette in the congealed fat on the plate in front of me. Yesterday’s half-eaten Happy Meal stared up at me accusingly. I sat back in the creaky office chair and surveyed my dark tomb of an office: A cork board piecing this conspiracy together, currently empty but I’d get round to
If you’re reading this, you must be one of the enlightened. You must be someone who has seen the writing in the chemtrails and has sought out my work in order to broaden your mind and expose the global conspiracies that keep us enslaved. For decades there has been an insipid plot by Hollyweird executives
“And that’s why, I think it’s weird that all French films are set in tower blocks.” I await the certainly forthcoming adulation from the other people at the table. I may have forgotten their names but I am certain they enjoyed my improvised lecture about French cinema. They sit there, stunned for a moment, presumably
Through the cracks in the boards I can see the forest outside the decrepit shack I call home. Apart from the trees blowing softly in the wind, the night is still. I haven’t seen a bird or any other animal in months. They must have gotten them all. Minutes pass, still no movement. Maybe They’ve
“You’ll have full motion in about a week. Just take it easy until then.” I turned my head towards the voice but I could only make out a throbbing white shape. “When can I leave?” I asked, my mouth desperately dry. “You’ve had major surgery, Mr Rae. We’ve replaced your eyes, parts of your brain
The bottle was marked “Poison: literally poison”. “How much is this?” “That’s poison,” the wizened man behind the counter said, looking over his glasses at me, “That bottle contains a great curse -” “How much is it, you old bastard?” It tasted pretty bad, but there’s no way I’m going to let a fortune teller
“Editor wants to see you,” Mark’s face is the picture of smug satisfaction. He couldn’t be taking more pleasure in newfound career as bad news messenger. He maintains eye contact for the entire leisurely stroll back to his desk. I sit for a second wondering what it could be about? I haven’t done anything, have
Here’s a free piece of advice to everyone out there: When the hazmat-suited scientist pushes you roughly into the cryogenics chamber and says, “When do you want to wake up?” Say, “When World Peace is achieved and we all live in a currency-free utopia.” Don’t say, “When Trainspotting 2 comes out”, as a joke. Why?
Life in The Well isn’t so bad. The first few months were hard but once I’d arranged things and got everything how I wanted it, I was pretty comfortable. The only problem is entertainment. The only things that fall into The Well are small animals and the occasional discarded crisp packet so I have
