On the 14th Day of Christmas Edward Ahern gave to me… “I don’t like turkey.” Sarah made shushing noises. “Phil, it’s Christmas. Pretend it’s veal. Or pork.” “It tastes like greasy cardboard. I’ll tell my brother I’ve gone Vegan.” “They’ve been to your cookouts. They already know you scrape vegetables off your plate.” “Yeah, but
On the 13th Day of Christmas Hannah Storm gave to me… Today my four-year-old found the Lord in his lunchbox. Tucked between the apple slices and the yoghurt tubes, Charlie might have missed the miracle, but fortunately for him and the future of faith, his form teacher Miss Angel was on hand. I had feared
On the 9th Day of Christmas Lucy Goldring gave to me… On balance, it’s better that he didn’t notice me. Invisibility might just be my new superpower. Being in here – bass a distant drub-drub-drub, fellow ‘freshers’ a drone of bullshit – offers vodka-clear perspective. I will ignore the rat poison pellets squealing annihilation (too
On the 7th Day of Christmas Rich Glinnen gave to me… “Now they notice us,” Elm guffaws, simply stunning in an afro of violet, “all year long these people just coast on by, picking their noses.” The nearest trees grunt in agreement. “What did Elm say?” “A little louder, please. Some of us aren’t spring
On the 6th Day of Christmas Andrew Boulton gave to me… When summer came and the skies bulged with a sticky mist, one wasp made an error of judgement. Sugar-drunk and oblivious to consequences, this wasp found himself trapped inside a freezer. And slept. Now it’s Christmas morning and the freezer is, for the first
On the 5th Day of Christmas Pavle Radonic gave to me… Starbs for refuge from a shower. Finally some of the promised monsoon had arrived. Hold on the cafe, it was better left for up the road…. Oh shite! The pink Watsons van out front. Yes of course, the pharmacy chain. Beauty products were an ancillary. You
On the 4th Day of Christmas Nicola Ashbrook gave to me… Alastair says the way to his heart is through his stomach, which is unfortunate, given the Listeria incident. I wanted to make amends for that this Christmas by cooking a roast Delia would be proud of. The turkey was safely stowed in the fridge;
On the 3rd Day of Christmas Laura Besley gave to me… Woman: Do you like Christmas? Man 1: Nah. Woman: (Scrooge. Next!) Woman: Do you like Christmas? Man 2: Totally. I love it, like 100%. No, 1000%. Woman: (You can’t do anything 1000%. Next!) This speed dating thing was not my idea. My friend wanted
The Pull-over “A Corvette?” Nadine repeated. “You’re kind of old for a mid-life crisis, aren’t you? And besides, don’t they cost $100,000?” “Not a new one,” George replied. “A used one. One of the curvy models. I’ve got my eye on one for $20,000.” “What’s wrong with our Camry?” “Not a thing. I just want
On the 2nd Day of Christmas Jess Moody gave to me… Every kitchen surface is covered, and levels are rising. A failing round of Tetris, I’ve reached cascade failure. Pans, baking trays, congealing white sauce, knives nonchalantly lying blade up. I’m about to get the meat from the larder. Approaching laughter – like clattering silverware
