DAY 3: Festive Speed Dating by Laura Besley

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On the 3rd Day of Christmas Laura Besley gave to me…

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 1: Nah.
Woman: (Scrooge. Next!)

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 2: Totally. I love it, like 100%. No, 1000%.
Woman: (You can’t do anything 1000%. Next!)

This speed dating thing was not my idea. My friend wanted to go and it sounded like fun.   

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 3: I hate buying presents for people. Don’t mind receiving them though.
Woman: (Tight. Next!)

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 4: Yeah. I’m totally into it. Over the years I’ve bought so many Christmas ties, I have… wait for it… An Adven-tie Calendar. Get it? Should start selling them. I could be a millionaire this time next year.
Woman: (Alright, Dellboy, calm down. Next!)

Ironic, considering where I am, but I’d highly recommend being single. This year I haven’t dated anyone and it’s been great. Could just be myself, you know. First time since high school.

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 5: It’s a very sensitive subject for me. I used to get called “Elf” at school because… I’m short. Okay, it’s out there. I’ve said it. I’m short. Don’t pretend you didn’t notice.
Woman: (Short, angry man syndrome. Don’t think so. Next!)

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 6: Oh yes. I’m a choir conductor and just love organising carol concerts, especially with children. They’re such fun to work with. And their little faces are so beautiful. And their voices so pure. Sorry, I can’t help it. Do you have a tissue?
Woman: (Too sentimental. Next!)

Talking about high school; I had a massive crush on a guy there called Neil Spencer. He was two years above me. Not sure he even knew my name.

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 7: I wish I could enjoy it more, but I’m allergic to Christmas trees. It’s awful. Every year I take the month of December off work and hibernate. Literally.
Woman: (You don’t “literally” hibernate, but I get your point. Next!)

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 8: Of course! Who wouldn’t? I’ve got special Santa boxers on. Who’s been a bad boy this year then?!
Woman: (Eew! Next!)

But you know how there are some people you still think about? Wonder what they’re up to? And where? Well, he’s one of them.

Woman: Do you like Christmas?
Man 9: Hell, yes! All that snogging. Pwoar! Carry mistletoe in my pocket for the month of December and have a competition every year with my mates. Kissie?
Woman: (Hell, no! Next!)

Hello, Melissa. It’s Neil, from school. Do you remember me?

Melissa: Uh, hi. I do. Uhm, do you like Christmas?
Neil: ‘Course. What’s not to like? Plenty of food and drink, lots of good TV and the thing that’s on everybody’s mind… will it snow? Do you?
Melissa: I do, actually. Thanks for asking.
Neil: Shall we go for a pint after? If you’re not sick of talking that is?
Melissa: I’d love to.

Laura Besley

Laura Besley writes short fiction in the precious moments that her children are asleep. Her fiction has appeared online (Fictive Dream, Spelk, EllipsisZine) as well as in print (Flash: The International Short Story Magazine) and in various anthologies (Adverbally Challenged, Another Hong Kong, Story Cities). Her debut flash fiction collection, The Almost Mothers, will be published by Dahlia Press in 2020. She tweets @laurabesley

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