FLASH FICTION: How Do You Classify Mammals? by Hannah Storm

At first Dom seemed okay about selling the Z3. We posted it on Auto Trader then spent hours poring over Which Car? weighing up family-friendly designs. We had already sold the flat and bought a four-bed house with a garage, now home to a BabyJogger buggy. I had no intention of holding on to the baby weight after the birth.

Dom seemed to be wobbling. Half-way through building the spreadsheet to compare the cars, he took the final chocolate hobnob. Lying on the sofa, our distended bellies balancing the Mac, I laughed, ‘If I’m eating for two, you must be eating for three.’

‘I won’t be late. Just meeting the lads for a quick half’, he messaged after work the next day. I texted him the photo from the 20-week scan: ‘It’s okay if you tell them the sex’.

I calculated how long a half pint would take with Tom and John, and multiplied it by three, just in case they all chipped in to celebrate. Then I added 15 minutes because beer goes straight through Dom, especially since he turned 40. He hadn’t taken kindly to me telling him older men often experienced enlarged prostrates and that he would be bound to wee more.

After an hour I googled ‘mindfulness’ on YouTube. After two hours, I gave up and walked to the Forresters. The first thing I saw as I turned the corner to our local was a group of men, all of them dressed in Lycra, each glued to a gleaming bike.

I remember Dom reading an article in the Observer about this breed of ‘Mamils’, or ‘Middle-Aged Men in Lycra.’

I laughed as he told me that a Mamil’s head was usually hidden under a hard helmet-like shell to protect his receding hairline, his expanding girth cinched by tight Lycra, and the rest of his body swaddled to leave little to the imagination.

From the accompanying photos and text, I saw a Mamil wore his manhood with pride, straddled his bike like he’d never had a ride like it, and terrorised members of the opposite sex with talk of tight clothes, time trials and titanium frames.

I scoffed at the play on words with ‘mammal’ as if these imposters could possibly have anything in common with warm-blooded animals whose females fed their infants milk through mammary glands.

‘Jesus, Amanda if I ever turn into one of them, you have my permission to pull down my cycling shorts and publicly flog me’, Dom had said to me, over a glass of Malbec. It was the last day of our honeymoon and we’d got so drunk that my pill had failed.

Touching my ballooning boobs, I fought back my envy of these men. My phone vibrated in my bag. Dom must be home.

‘Amanda, is that you?’ I heard his voice before I recognised him, lifted my eyes to the gleaming bike, the helmeted creature in front of me, his enlarged prostate pulsing inside his lurid Lycra.

Hannah Storm

Hannah Storm has been a journalist for the past 20 years. Though her notebooks have long been full of snapshots from her adventures, she only started writing flash fiction, poetry and creative non-fiction last year as a way of honouring some of the extraordinary people she has met, remembering the places she has been and processing her own experiences. She lives on the south coast of the UK with her husband and two children and juggles parenting with work, writing and long-distance running.

Follow Hannah here Twitter

STORGY Flash Fiction Competition 2019

We are at it again people, our 2019 Flash Fiction Competition is accepting submissions from 8th July 2019 and will end on the 31st August 2019. So, dust off those stories, write a new one and get submitting! The competition is £5 per flash piece (you can submit more than one story but this would need to be done in separate applications). For those on low or no income we’ve got your back (full details in the post). 500 words only (excluding title). First place wins £100 and a STORGY Bundle, 2nd & 3rd places win a STORGY Bundle – plus all shortlisted stories will feature in a limited edition chap book which will be made available to purchase through STORGY.COM. Click here to go to our post or just check out STORGY.COM for details.

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STORGY BOOKS
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This is the tale of a town on the fringes of fear, of ordinary people and everyday objects transformed by terror and madness, a microcosm of the world where nothing is ever quite what it seems. This is a world where the unreal is real, where the familiar and friendly lure and deceive. On the outskirts of civilisation sits this solitary town. Home to the unhinged. Oblivion to outsiders.

Shallow Creek contains twenty-one original horror stories by a chilling cast of contemporary writers, including stories by Sarah Lotz, Richard Thomas, Adrian J Walker, and Aliya Whitely. Told through a series of interconnected narratives, Shallow Creek is an epic anthology that exposes the raw human emotion and heart-pounding thrills at the the genre’s core.

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You can also purchase a copy of EXIT EARTH below!

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EXIT EARTH RED

Twenty-four short stories, exclusive afterwords, interviews, artwork, and more.

From Trumpocalypse to Brexit Britain, brick by brick the walls are closing in. But don’t despair. Bulldoze the borders. Conquer freedom, not fear. EXIT EARTH explores all life – past, present, or future – on, or off – this beautiful, yet fragile, world of ours. Final embraces beneath a sky of flames. Tears of joy aboard a sinking ship. Laughter in a lonely land. Dystopian or utopian, realist or fantasy, horror or sci-fi, EXIT EARTH is yours to conquer.

EXIT EARTH includes the short stories of all fourteen finalists of the STORGY EXIT EARTH Short Story Competition, as judged by critically acclaimed author Diane Cook (Man vs. Nature) and additional stories by award winning authors M R Cary (The Girl With All The Gifts), Toby Litt (Corpsing), James Miller (Lost Boys), Courttia Newland (A Book of Blues), and David James Poissant (The Heaven of Animals), and exclusive artwork by Amie Dearlove, HarlotVonCharlotte, CrapPanther, and cover design by Rob Pearce.

Find out more about EXIT EARTH here

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Unlike many other Arts & Entertainment Magazines, STORGY is not Arts Council funded or subsidised by external grants or contributions. The content we provide takes a lot of time, money and hard work to produce, and relies on the talented authors we publish and the dedication of a devoted team of staff writers. If you enjoy reading our Magazine, help to secure our future and enable us to continue publishing the words of our writers. Please make a donation or subscribe to STORGY Magazine with a monthly fee of your choice. Your support, as always, continues to inspire.PayPal-Donate-Button

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