A Day At The Office by Anthony Self

A DAY AT THE OFFICE

by

Anthony Self

typewriter love

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 09:30am

Subject: Presentation

Hi Al,

Just wanted to check that you were all set for the meeting at 10.00am? I know I’ve been nagging since last week about it but I can’t stress the importance of this presentation to our sponsors and execs. Your designs for the new propulsion system are amazing! They’re not just going to blow everyone away; they’re going to revolutionize the way people think about quantum physics! Seriously, this is going to be a major game changer. I’ve got people calling every minute. I’m talking book deals, TV shows…the works! Now I know you don’t like speaking in front of large groups, so let me know if you need a hand with anything, okay? Maybe we can grab a coffee beforehand?

Kind regards,

Mike

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 09:36am

Subject: Re: Presentation

Hey Mikey boy,

Why do people say that? Grab a coffee? Why would I grab a hot drink? I was expressively told as a child that I was never to grab anything. Except maybe Julie’s legs from HR! Haha – I kid, I kid…but seriously, have you seen those gams? Anyway, why can’t we leisurely take our time and sip a coffee? Unlike my designs for the sustainable fuel consumption for the new propulsion system, coffee seems to be the unequivocal source of ingestion around here. By the way, have you heard Todd’s impression of an American gangster saying ‘Kuarwfee?’ Hi-larr-ious.

Much love,

Albert

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 09:38am

Subject: Re: Re: Presentation

Ok, we can do that – but you’re sure you’re okay, Albert? Everything ready?

Kind regards,

Mike

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 09:40am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

I’m peachy, mike. Like un-muddied water. Like a clear azure sky. Just finishing some witty ice-breakers for the start of the demo. A few words to loosen everyone up, if you will. Did you hear about the one about the guy who walks into a bar with the eleven inch pianist in his pocket?

With even greater love,

Albert

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 09:45am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Umm, don’t worry about those, Al – I’ll be starting the presentation. I’ll see you down at the boardroom in ten minutes then, yes?

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:45am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Al, I think we need to talk about what just happened…

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:46am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

I know, right??? NAILED IT.

With unequivocal love,

Albert

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:45am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Jesus, Al – I’ve had several complaints from staff members. Some of our female colleagues felt that what you were wearing was…inappropriate for the occasion at hand. What am I going to tell the executives? This presentation was televised, for Christ’s sake!

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:49am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

I don’t see what the problem is, Mikey boy. I think the demo went ruddy well. Ruddy well indeed. I do admit that putting the video clip at the beginning of the presentation of a cat attempting to jump from a ledge and falling on its face, accompanied with the flashing titles: ‘If only I haz motion propulsion’ was a little juvenile, but it’s more for the kids then anything else. They love their memes, Mike. You can’t argue with the kids. Or touch them inappropriately, for that matter. You can go to jail for that. We just have to roll with the times. What’s the problem? Who’s complaining? Not Julie, I hope?

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:45am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

This is going to be a PR nightmare…Al, I know that you tech types have your…’eccentricities’, but this is 2014 – you cant wear a shirt with half naked women plastered across it! It’s ostracizing and degrading! What were you thinking??? No, Julie hasn’t complained.

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 11:49am

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Phew, that’s a relief. I think I’m going to ask her out. What with the awesome demo going so well and everything. On a bit of a high, if I do say so myself. Half-naked women? Mike, that’s She-Ra, Wonder Woman, She-Hulk and Batgirl on my shirt. Wonder Woman is an Amazonian Goddess. We’re talking Olympus type Toga party up in here. What do you expect her to wear? A hoody and some cargo pants? You crack me up!

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 1:35pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:  Presentation

Okay, Albert – I’ve managed to quell some of the complaints internally, but as the presentation was televised there’s been a backlash on twitter and Facebook. We’re going to need to you make a public apology.

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 2:15pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Al, are you there? We’re going to need a response within the hour, please.

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 3:38pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Hey Mike, sorry for the late reply. Got chatting with Todd and Julie about the demo. Kuarwfee. That Todd…such a character! Funny you should mention it, I was speaking with Julie (you know, the one from HR) and she didn’t seem to have a problem with the shirt. She wants to get one with Batman, Thor and Aquaman – but then we got into an argument because as everyone knows Aquaman is the lamest superhero of all time. I mean, how can he control whales? They’re not even mammals! Crazy.

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 2:15pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

I don’t think you’re grasping the severity of the situation here, Albert. A lot of people were offended by your shirt. I know what you’ve achieved here is monumental; revolutionary even, but we still have to think of the integrity of the company and what we represent to the masses. This could really damage what we’ve tried to achieved here today…

To: mike.thompson@labtechINC

From: albert.finkle@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 2:15pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

If you’re reading this, Doc Brown was unable to make lightning strike the clock tower, and I’m stuck in 1985. I won’t be able to respond to emails or voicemail until 9ish on Thursday, November 20th, or until email is invented — whatever comes first. Just kidding, I’m out of the office because I’m super awesome and just invented a new propulsion system that will save thousands of dollars for NASA or whatever company uses it. Julie – Aquaman is lame. The Flash is more your style. Or speed. Haha, see what I did there? Want to go for a drink sometime?

 

Kind regards,

 

Albert. 

To: albert.finkle@labtechINC

From: mike.thompson@labtechINC

Date: Tuesday 18 November 2014 2:16pm

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Presentation

Well…fuck.

black tree